Aurisha Smolarski, LMFT

Cooperative Co-Parenting for Secure Kids

Co-Parenting Coaching: I offer you a tailored approach to your co-parenting family needs. Co-Parenting coaching does not need to be a long term process. In just 3-6 sessions you will gain the info and tools to move forward into your co-parenting relationship with the confidence of knowing you will continue to raise secure and well adjusted kids. They deserve it and so do you!

As a trained mediator and as a co-parent myself, I am very familiar with the challenges faced by single parents, especially those who have been recently separated, who are trying to raise a child as co-parents. The tendency is to let problems that exist between the co-parents spill over into their parenting. Instead of working together, the two households are at war with one another. There are no winners: both parents suffer, and the child/ren suffer more.

However, it doesn’t have to be that way. I am currently writing Cooperative Co-Parenting for Secure Kids: The Attachment Theory Guide to Raising Kids in Two Homes which will be published with New Harbinger and will be released in 2023. It will offer co-parents a way to reframe their relationship so it functions effectively and helps their child to thrive.

Cooperative Co-Parenting for Secure Kids is grounded in the science of attachment theory (e.g., Bowlby, 1988). Secure attachment refers to the relationship between a parent and young child that provides the child with a stable and secure basis from which to negotiate life going forward. A child with a secure base can weather the storms of adverse experiences—such as those caused by divorce—much more easily than a child who doesn’t. Co-parents who understand this principle have a significant advantage because they can learn how to provide secure attachment for their child, even while no longer living under the same roof.

As I have applied attachment theory in my practice, I devised what I call the “principles of engagement” for successful co-parenting. I have further defined these principles as the six Cs of co-parenting. I have found that when co-parents follow these relationship principles, they create a safe haven for their kids, reducing the short- and long-term negative impacts of a separation.

1. Certainty: agreeing to engage with each other and committing to the responsibility of showing up as a co-parent, thereby creating trust and reducing anxiety for all

2. Collaboration: working together to create a shared vision for co-parenting, and then working toward mutually decided goals and outcomes for your child, thereby creating win-wins, trust and inclusion, and a sense of empowerment

3. Consistency: providing a consistent structure and routine for your child, thereby fostering stability, reliability, and predictability

4. Clarity: communicating clearly and calmly through email, text, and/or phone and in person, thereby minimizing misunderstandings and conflict, and providing accountability

5. Connection: co-parents stay present with their child to help them process their emotions and to build secure attachment

6. Community: providing external support systems, thereby expanding your circle of love