Don’t Put Your Kid in the Middle

Being in the middle hurts kids; how can you prevent that?

You've probably heard this phrase if you have been in a co-parenting relationship. But you may not realize how frequently it occurs, under what circumstances, and with what results.

For example, Norwegian researchers reported that about 46 percent of children in their sample of high-conflict divorce families were at a heightened risk of experiencing post-traumatic stress symptoms (PTSS). Divorce and breakups are difficult, but putting a child in the middle of parental issues causes increased ongoing stress and confusion and affects the child's ability to heal.

How Co-Parents Put Their Children in the Middle

Even conscientious co-parents may unknowingly put their child in the middle. I define this dynamic as a child being inappropriately placed into roles that should not be theirs. This happens when one or both co-parents prioritize (consciously or unconsciously) their own emotional or physical needs over their child's needs.

How Being Put in the Middle Affects Your Child

Putting your child in the middle causes ongoing stress and pressure for the child, which has both physical and emotional negative consequences. Constant stress causes the body to go into survival mode: the fight, flight, freeze response. Instead of finding homeostasis, the body stays on high alert, affecting blood sugar levels, suppressing the immune system, affecting serotonin levels (e.g., causing depression), and even altering brain regions (e.g., hippocampus) essential for learning and memory. Sleep issues and health problems (e.g., stomachaches, fatigue, headaches, and frequent illness), as well as emotional (anxiety, depression) and behavioral issues (aggression or withdrawal), and difficulty with self-regulation can result and even lead to longer-term health and emotional issues in adulthood (Russell and Lightman, 2019).

How to Help Your Child

Here's the good news: Because of the brain's natural plasticity, you can work to shape and nurture your child's development in healthier ways, even if they have encountered adverse experiences. Suppose you or your co-parent has knowingly or unknowingly put your child in the middle. In that case, I recommend the following actions to help them regain a sense of security and minimize the stress and confusion of a breakup or divorce:

1. Behave and interact as if your co-parenting team is a nonprofit or a business whose sole purpose is to raise a child. Be respectful and cordial when interacting to decrease conflict.

2. Become aware of ways you may put your child in the middle. Decrease and eliminate situations and behaviors that put your child in the middle.

3. Do your healing work to understand how your emotions, needs, and past experiences might lead you to put your child in the middle.

4. Keep the focus on your child, their needs, and the memories you want them to have. Be present and empathic and help them process any feelings they may have. Listen and give your child a voice.

5. Work toward presenting a united front with your co-parent so your child doesn't have to pick a side or protect either of you.

6. Allow your child to love both their parents.

7. If your co-parent still puts your child in the middle, ensure they don't feel in the middle when they are at home with you. Instead of trying to justify or prove you are right, model and teach respectful communication, cooperation, healthy boundaries, and safety.

8. Create direct lines of communication through phone, text, or email, a parenting app, or, if need be, a mediator or lawyer so you can make agreements and discuss scheduling changes and requests directly with your co-parent instead of through your child.

See Psychology Today for full article.