It’s not uncommon for kids with two homes to have to juggle two sets of rules. But it only takes one co-parent to give their kid a safety net to help manage these inconsistencies.

Children in two homes who are left to struggle with different sets of rules often try to pit their parents against each other in a game of bad cop and good cop. They do this when they’re unable to express how they feel about being forced to navigate two sets of rules. Tim, for example, is confused, anxious, and stressed, which has led to emotional dysregulation as well as a range of academic and behavioral issues.

Parents are often pitted against each other and blame each other for the situation. Or if they see their child “acting out,” they may point to their child as the problem. In fact, if this is happening in your home, your kid is trying to tell you that they are craving consistency and age-appropriate boundaries. They are asking you to provide a safety net.

Going from being in a romantic relationship to co-parenting with a person you no longer want to be close to can feel daunting and overwhelming. A separation or divorce when you have kids doesn’t just entail separating your stuff and your homes and creating custody and parenting arrangements; it requires a complete mindset shift. This shift involves the roles you and your former partner play in each other’s lives, while also parenting your child.

KEY POINTS

Co-parents should shield children from parental conflict, not make them witness it.

Putting a child in the middle means inappropriately placing a child into roles that should not be theirs.

A child who feels their needs are unimportant can lose self-esteem, self-value, and a sense of security.

"Don't put your child in the middle."

You've probably heard this phrase if you have been in a co-parenting relationship. But you may not realize how frequently it occurs, under what circumstances, and with what results.

For example, Norwegian researchers reported that about 46 percent of children in their sample of high-conflict divorce families were at a heightened risk of experiencing post-traumatic stress symptoms (PTSS). Divorce and breakups are difficult, but putting a child in the middle of parental issues causes increased ongoing stress and confusion and affects the child's ability to heal.